Sunday, March 21, 2010

Checkout Chick

Gary’s only purpose in life was to guard the east gate at Sydney International Airport. He had no wife, no kids, and no social life. He lived alone in a dingy one-bedroom unit at the end of the main runway and he’d lost all pigmentation in his skin because of nearly three years of nightshift work; he nearly glowed in the dark, his skin was that pale. The few friends he had never saw him due to his irregular nightshift schedule and he was staring down a tunnel without a metaphorical light shining at the end of it. He stared at his watch in the dim glow of the flickering lamp post.

‘And… there it is,’ he said as he watched the minute hand tick over to midnight. ‘Another Saturday night lost.’ He kicked at the empty Red Bull can he’d dropped on the ground moments earlier, emptied of its sleep-depriving glory. It was a tradition he’d maintained for a full year: drinking five cans of Red Bull before midnight every Saturday night, then kicking the empty cans down the stormwater drain by one o’clock the next morning. It wasn’t brain surgery, but it kept him occupied during his twelve-hour-long ‘how not to fall asleep while no one breaks in’ exercise.

By one o’clock the Red Bull cans had all skittered down the drain, making way for the next activity – throwing rocks at circling moths – which ran until 2 o’clock. Gary used this time to pretend he was a fighter pilot. He swooped around the lamp post and guard booth, arms spread wide, mouth making engine noises, before lining up for a strafing run. The area around his tiny booth was covered in fine white gravel, the sort one might put in a kitty litter tray, so he had ample ammunition to conduct his dogfight with. Despite all probability, the strafing game lasted until just before the sun came up which meant that Gary had to pretend to be alert as the first of the dayshift workers turned up to start their working day. He lifted the boom gate as they drove in, gave them a wan smile and a wave… and cursed their names under his breath as his fatigue-fogged brain started to shut down. When eight o’clock rolled around he swapped out with the dayshift guard, Steven, and made his way home via the supermarket.


Gary parked his car in the near-empty supermarket car park and winced as he got out of the car. His diet of crap food and energy drinks was catching up with him, especially in the stomach department, and the extra weight was taking its toll on his knees and back. By the time he reached the store’s automatic doors he’d walked off his limp and was moving more comfortably – perhaps spurred on by loosened joints, perhaps by the thought of his delicious impending purchases. He picked up a basket and strolled down the aisles, stocking up on the essentials: Red Bull, instant noodles, biscuits and finger buns. He tried starting a conversation with a pretty woman in a business suit, but she just scowled at him and walked away. Heart firmly in his stomach, he walked glumly towards the checkout, thinking of how he was going to fall into his small cold bed, alone.


When he got to the checkout he started unloading his basket onto the counter. He glanced over at the customer ahead of him and his heart skipped a beat – it was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. She was just shy of five feet tall, had luxuriant brown hair and a big smile – everything Gary could possibly hope for in a woman. He looked at her basket of groceries. ‘That’s a lot of fruit you have there. Making a fruit salad?’

The woman just stared at him.

‘Shit shit shit,’ Gary thought. ‘That was such a stupid line. I screwed it up.’

The object of Gary’s affection looked at his basket of groceries and sneered.

‘Yeah, my diet ain’t too healthy, but what can you do?’ said Gary, shrugging his shoulders.

As if in answer, the woman started thumping the counter with her hand. The cashier didn’t even look surprised – she just treated the situation as if was a daily occurrence.

Gary was surprised at his new-found friend’s behaviour, but wasn’t as taken aback as many people would be – he’d worked nightshift for three years, and had been awake for a good twenty four hours, maybe this is how people interacted with one another now? He turned away momentarily to empty the rest of his basket, and when he turned around again the women was standing with a palm-full of money held out in front of her. The cashier very delicately took the exact amount of money from the proffered hand and put it in the cash register, almost as if she was handling a bomb. Gary’s mouth was agape. ‘Where on earth did you keep that money? You’re not wearing any pants!’

The brunette grinned widely, revealing a mouth full of pearly white teeth. Gary felt light-headed and a bit wobbly – he’d always been a ‘teeth man’; it was as if this woman was reacting to his every lustful thought. As Gary paid for his groceries he summoned up every shred of courage he possessed and said, ‘My name’s Gary. What’s your name?’

The woman said nothing, but Gary noticed a bracelet on her left wrist which read ‘Jesse’.

‘Ah. Jesse. Nice name. Do you want to go out for coffee or something? If you’re not busy, that is.’

Jesse wildly flailed her arms and walked around in circles. She didn’t say anything, but, as Gary had read in a magazine, in these situations body language was everything. Gary took his shopping in one hand, and his new friend’s hand in the other. She did the same, and they walked out the door and down the street to a coffee shop.


Jesse got comfortable on a stool as Gary ordered a triple espresso for himself and a mango smoothie for her.

Gary sat down and tried his hand at small talk as they waited for their drinks.

‘So, Jesse, what do you do when you’re not eating healthily?’

Jesse just stared around the café and not-so-subtly scratched herself.

‘Relaxing, hey? Yeah, I’m the same. I work the night shift at the airport, so I’m used to spending time on my own. I’m not lonely per se; although I can usually find something to amuse myself with when I’m on my own.’

Jesse looked away, as if in disgust.

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ Gary laughed, ‘that came out all wrong. What I meant was I like reading or taking long walks. I’m happy with my own thoughts.’

Jesse upend the sugar bowl all over the table and chuckled.

‘Not a fan of sugar? I have to admit, it’s my one vice, except for the shelves and shelves of pornography I have at home. Do you collect Hustler? I collect Hustler, it’s a great magazine.’

Jesse got down off of her seat and started dragging the chair to another table.

Gary flinched. ‘Did I say something wrong? Oh I’m so sorry; I’ve forgotten what it’s like to talk to non-security guards. We’re always joking about stuff like that. I didn’t mean to offend you.’

Jesse took a bowl of sugar from another table, dragged the chair back to the table she shared with Gary and proceeded to pour the contents of the sugar bowl all over the seat. She started cackling wildly.

Gary relaxed. ‘Here I am stumbling over my own words and worrying while you’re just being all carefree and aloof. I envy you in some ways, Jesse.’ Jesse smiled and clapped her hands as the waitress arrived at the table. She gave Gary and Jesse a funny look and walked away quickly when Jesse started rubbing her leg.

‘If I did something like that I’d get in trouble,’ said Gary, ‘but I guess that’s one of the perks of being a vibrant young woman – you can get away with stuff like that.’

He sipped his espresso as Jesse gulped down her smoothie.

‘You don’t talk much, do you?’

Jesse continued to guzzle the pulped mango.

‘I don’t mind, it’s nice to just talk freely with someone. I don’t get much of a chance to do it at work.’ Jesse finished her smoothie and looked impatient. ‘Do you want to go? That’s fine, just let me finish my coffee,’ said Gary. He downed the remainder like an alcoholic doing shots at a bar, and rose from his seat. He picked up Jesse’s shopping along with his own and they set off down the footpath through the park. The sun was shiny and the birds were singing as the new couple ambled happily between the trees. Gary couldn’t help but notice Jesse’s unusual gait. ‘Do you ride horses by chance? I noticed that you walk a little bow-legged.’ Jesse let go of his hand and half-ran to the top of a small rise a few metres away. Gary walked quickly to catch her up. ‘I’m sorry, have I said the wrong thing again?’ He really didn’t want to blow his chances – it was the first sort-of date he’d had in years and he was going to do everything he could to hold onto Jesse for that bit longer. Out of the corner of his eye Gary noticed three men in khaki uniforms walking quickly towards him, and he glanced at Jesse. Her pupils were dilated and she was looking agitated. ‘What’s wrong? Do you know those men?’

Jesse tugged at Gary’s trouser leg and pointed at the approaching trio.

‘I don’t understand. What’s going on, Jesse? Are you in some sort of trouble with the law?’

Jesse let go of the trouser leg and reached her right hand around behind her back.

There was a damp sound and a brief pause before Jesse hurled the contents of her cupped hand at the uniformed men. ‘Don’t let him do that again!’ yelled out of the men as Jesse scarpered up a tree.

‘He?’ said Gary as he looked up at Jesse. ‘Oh… I see it now. You’re not a lady-monkey at all!’

He paused. ‘I mean “Ape”. Not a lady-ape at all.’

As he watched the men negotiate with Jesse from beneath a large umbrella, Gary some math in his head. ‘Yeah,’ he thought. ‘Definitely the best girl I’ve ever been with. Even if she WAS male.’

1 comment:

Toby Roberts said...

Hmmmmm... weird ending.