How it’s usually done:
All movies start with either a script, or a pitch to write a script. If there’s a script the studio pays the writer for it, and then changes everything, because studios are run by jerks. If there’s only a pitch, the studio straps a monkey to a typewriter and says, ‘Write a movie about stuff blowing up around Bruce Willis.’
The script is what the movie is based on; it tells the actors what to say, it establishes the setting for the story and it tells the director when to insert a kickarse car chase. A good script, like the one used for The Usual Suspects, can make for an enthralling thriller. A bad script, like the one used in every Eddie Murphy movie, leaves the audience feeling cheated but, hey, at least there WAS a script.
How Twilight: Eclipse should do it:
Forget this stage completely, just like the Twilight books forget to include a plot. The movies don’t NEED a script – this isn’t The Shawshank Redemption, this is fucking Twilight. It doesn’t need to make sense, it just needs to appeal to naïve pre-teens and horny 18-year-old girls. Just roll those cameras and feel the angsty one-dimensional love (by the way, that’s the name of my new band). Twilight and New Moon set the precedent on this one – they apparently didn’t use a script, so why the hell should the third movie? It SHOULDN’T, that’s why. It’d ruin the authentic Twilight vibe with things like ‘dialogue’ and ‘coherence’. Does Twilight’s lead character, Pale McRapey, ruin the mood by thinking before he speaks? OF COURSE HE DOESN’T. He just stares moodily into space and mumbles anything while his girlfriend stumbles around dropping things.
'I can’t believe they’re actually paying me to do this'
5. Casting Calls
How it’s usually done:
The studio (run by jerks) has a script and they need to fill all the roles required. They choose a director and spend months filtering out terrible candidates through an arduous audition process. Their goal is to find someone with that X factor, that thing that makes them stand out from all the rest. It could be their acting ability, it could be their chiselled jaw, or their big boobs (this is usually where the casting for female leads ends) or, as happens most often, it could be the actor’s HUNGER and LUST and LACK OF DIGNITY that gets them the gig. What we’re saying is that some actors don’t SUCK at what they do.
How Twilight: Eclipse should do it:
Casting? The studio doesn’t need to do that shit. They already have their one-dimensional, pseudo-attractive lead actress from the first two movies, why change it now? Female audiences love it when the ugly duckling gets her man, because there’s an ugly duckling in every girl, waiting to turn into a swan.
Fun fact: ‘Ducklings are baby ducks. Cygnets are baby swans. Please get it right.’
The male lead from the first two movies is back as well, so there is no need for the studio to go through the frankly terrifying ordeal of finding a pigeon-chested little bastard in Hollywood who looks like a rapist. Against all odds, the studio has their token eye-candy for the movie too in the form of a pre-cast actor from movies one and two. Did we mention that he isn’t underage in this film and that it’s now legal for audiences to be aroused by him?
Sure, Twilight: Eclipse contains more than three characters (does it? I haven’t read the book), but no one cares who plays them. The studio will just paint ‘Vampire Three’ on the sound guy and throw some flour on him before pushing him into shot – no one cares, they’ll be too enthralled by Pale McRapey’s moody stare and Wolfy McChildporn’s muscle tone.
‘Old men in trench coats are gonna be all up on my shit’
How it’s usually done:
Directors and producers traipse all over the globe looking for that ideal location. For Quantum of Solace they went to Havana on a location scout. Why? Because if you had an all-expenses-paid trip to Cuba, wouldn’t you?
Fun!
It’s ok, neither would I, but Hollywood types love expense accounts and the perks that come with them.
That’s the beauty of Hollywood – no location is off-limits, especially when it comes to cashing in on a semi-poorly-written, semi-novel about vampires.
How Twilight: Eclipse should do it:
Location Scouting is for amateurs. Take my advice, producers, you don’t need to scout SHIT for Eclipse because you did all that way back in the Twilight: The First Movie days, remember? You already have a foggy pine forest to film in, you already have an architect’s house to film in, and you already have tumbledown shanty to film in (McRapey’s girlfriend’s house could be described as a shanty, right?). What else do you need? Fucking NOTHING is what. Why should you spend valuable time which you don’t have scouting out locations which will just end up on the cutting room floor? ‘You shouldn’t’ is what I’m getting at. If you deviated from the well-established ‘Of course vampires live in forests, there’s no sun there’ you would just piss off all the girls who haven’t seen the two Blade movies (as far as I’m concerned Blade Trinity doesn’t exist).
3. Special Effects
How it’s usually done:
In any way possible. These days it’s mostly done on computers, but before the electronic age it was the domain of puppets and fishing line. Back then special effects could be done fairly easily and quickly, and they were cheap too. Nowadays it’s a whole different ballgame; a whole different expensive and time-consuming ballgame. Movies like Star Wars and The Matrix are game-changers, and push the boundaries of what is possible to do in the digital space.
'Mister Lucas, can you PLEASE put down the crack pipe?'
In addition to all the ‘obvious’ special effects like explosions and spaceships are the colour-grade and filtering effects. Remember in The Matrix how everything in the ‘real world’ had a blue hue to it whereas everything inside the Matrix had a green tint? That’s the colour-grade at work – slight manipulation of the footage to bring out certain colours or add a narratively-essential effect (matrix blue/green). Every movie is colour-graded, whether you realise it or not.
‘Bring up the white some more. She doesn’t look boring enough’
How Twilight: Eclipse should do it:
I have three words for you: ‘Bucket’ ‘Of’ ‘Glitter’. That’s it. The studio doesn’t need fancy computer graphics to bring their poncy vampires to life – they just need to sprinkle a popular craft accessory all over their actors shortly before the camera rolls. Pale McRapey not enough of a glitter queen? Just use more glitter. Vampires not pale enough? Just throw flour at them until they develop a wheat allergy. It’s really fucking simple, and I am disgusted that the studio didn’t pay ME to do the effects for the first two films. I could have spent the effects budget on cheap polish vodka and mail-order brides whilst STILL delivering on my promise of providing ‘The sparkliest damn vampires you’ve ever seen. Like, you don’t even KNOW’. Fuck Blade’s lava and ash; it’s all about glitter and getting in touch with your feelings.
Glitter-queen rapists aside, what about the colour grade?
…
What colour grade? The scenes in Twilight are so full of fog that you can’t see shit anyway, so why do you want to change the mood? Vampires and teenage girls LOVE fog, and the fog helps accentuate how pale and bland the characters are, so any changes made in post-production would be artistic suicide (Erotic artistic suicide – that effects budget won’t spend itself).
2. Sound and Music
How it’s usually done:
While the movie is being shot, the composer gets to work writing music that reflects the action in the script. As the filming is completed he or she then alters the music accordingly to better reflect how the movie ACTUALLY turned out after the jerk studio altered the script. Sweeping scores match sweeping wide shots; deep, drawn-out tones enhance scary moments; exciting guitar riffs follow helicopter shots of pirates. The music is an alternative interpretation of the script and should complement the story that unfolds.
Likewise with sound effects – they enhance the mood on screen and add something to the experience. Think the squeaking bed in your favourite love scene was recorded on-set? It wasn’t. The sound was creating by the Foley artist squeezing two dog toys with his hands (that isn’t a euphemism). Ever wondered how they made that aroused moaning sound that comes out of the female lead’s mouth? Bears.
The real face of celluoid orgasms
How Twilight: Eclipse should do it:
This movie is all about werewolves or vampires or something (are there werewolves in Twilight: Eclipse?) so the chances of a bear turning up are slim to none. The only sounds you need are wolf howls, mouth-breathing (for Pale McRapey) and crickets chirruping to enhance the tension of the moody stares. Are McRapey and his Love Slave having a deep-and-meaningful talk in the forest? Add cricket noises. Is Wolfy McChildporn is getting his wolf junk out and flexing his muscles? Add cricket noises and a howl – even if his mouth is shut. The audience won’t notice this minor detail as they’ll be too enthralled by his pendulating red rocket. Twilight movies are all about clichés, so include as many as you can, especially in the sound department. Remember the sound of exploding vampires in Blade? Well forget it – Twilight vampires are all about twinkling, so hire the people who did Tinkerbell’s sound effects in Peter Pan and you’re sitting on a solid gold winner.
1. Direction
How it’s usually done:
A director usually reads a script, makes a metric shit-ton of notes, and storyboards his or her balls off to make the movie work. The reason The Lord of the Rings was so good was due to Peter Jackson’s fastidious storyboarding process. Every single shot was mapped out, revised, deleted and mapped out again so everything flowed. The director is responsible for motivating the actors and tying the whole production together. Grass not green enough? Change it. Backlot village not real enough? Blow up a real one. Directors give the movie focus – they decide what stays and goes, what’s good and what’s not, when the actors should show some more skin (every Jessica Biel movie), and when they should cover up (every Kathy Bates movie).
Hot
The creative force behind any movie comes from the person in the cheap canvas chair, and if a solid script is turned into a terrible movie, the blame rests solely with them.
How Twilight: Eclipse should do it:
It’s been established that Twilight: Eclipse won’t have a script – that’s an old-fashioned way to make films - and the guy who directed Twilight: New Moon, Chris Weitz, has announced that he’s quitting the film industry after his next project. There is only one rational conclusion to draw from this: Twilight: Eclipse should go one step further and not have a director at all, not even at the start of the project. Hell, what even needs directing? The actors? Of course not, they don’t even have a script to read! Besides, I’m sure they’ve seen humourless, blank cliff faces before, they just need to replicate that, but on film, just like they did in the first two movies.
Oscar-worthy
As for the editing process, it’s clear that nothing from the first films got cut, because if there was, there wouldn’t actually BE any Twilight films in the first place. Think outside the box, studio jerks. Think beyond your cocaine-fueled sexy-party filled existences and consider my proposal for the next Twilight movie. Face it: it can’t be worse than what you’re already considering.
Posts
2 comments:
right with you on this one, - we love it when an ugly duckling gets her man, but I've a feeling that by the time she turns into a fully fledged vampire she will be made really appealing. Until then
It was funny!
but then again, it's kinda mean the way you laughed at the inferiority of the less beautiful
(and kristen stewart's looks)
I get that you were having a laugh at twilight and things in general tho and it made me laugh :)
Post a Comment