Synchronised Swimming is an Abomination

'Abomination' is a word that everyone should use more often - I know I try and do my bit for this word on a weekly basis.

The topic which deserves this new tag is Synchronised Swimming. I know it was in the Sydney Olympics, I know it was in Athens, and I sure as hell realise that it's in Beijing because I just turned the television off in disgust. The question is, 'Why was this 'sport' even allowed in in the first place?'

Synchronised Swimming is a complete and utter Abomination.

Why is this sport deserving of an Olympic spot? It's like watching a group of sequined epileptics trying to swim 50m - it's a pointless exercise which is sure to end in a drowning.

The Synchronised Swimming pairs event is completely ridiculous. Two women (because buggered if any bloke is going to do it) smile forcefully, swing their arms a bit, then jump headlong into the water in what the commentators describe as 'elegant'. One even went as far as to say 'Oh isn't that beautiful?'

No. It's not, and I'll tell you why. It's not beautiful because it's dumb. That's all there is to it. It's dumb. That is the only argument one will ever need when arguing the case AGAINST this glorified (and yet still bullshit) dance event. If someone challenges you with 'But WHY is it dumb?' you can merely reply with 'Because it is.' Anyone who tries to take the argument further has not watched the event for an extended period of time like I have (1 minute of the team event, and 40 seconds of the pairs). Before anyone dares try and challenge me on that, I will say this: 'Nobody needs to see any more than 1 minute of this event because it's horribly boring , terrifyingly stupid and nobody should encourage them'.

Yes, the 'athletes' are fit. And yes, they can hold their breath for a long time. You know what else can do these things? Elephant Seals and Sperm Whales, but you don't see THEM in the Olympics.



Sperm Whales exist to fight giant squid and pose for 19th century maritime artists and Elephant seals exist to hump cars in New Zealand, whereas Synchronised Swimmers exist purely to piss me off. Car Humping is definitely more worthy of my time and energy



Why is this idiotic and ultimately pointless sport featured in the Olympics - an event which celebrates the pinnacle of un-assisted human athletic achievement? Because there are far too many idiots in the world today is why. Cracked.com did a feature on sports which could be added to the Olympics, and I'm sure as hell not going to try and steal THEIR thunder, so instead I'm going to mention 1 sport which should be included over synchronised swimming.

Kendo.

Yes, that's right, Kendo. Japanese fencing. The 'sport' samurai used to practice before going out and cutting off a stranger's head. If you still need a visual cue, look at The Last Samurai - Tom cruise gets his arse handed to him by Hiroyuki Sanada. I might be biased since I used to practice Kendo until I ruptured a pretty important part of my shoulder doing it, but my point still stands; a violent and tradition-steeped sport is far more worthy of an Olympic spot than an event which celebrates the art of flailing your arms around in deep water.

Here are some reasons why Kendo should be in the Olympics instead of Synchronised Swimming (SS):

Kendo is violent, SS is not.

Kendo uses bamboo swords, SS does not.

Kendo involves two combatants putting on kick-arse armour and belting each other on some pretty precise points of the body.

Kendo has a definitive scoring system, SS does not, unless you count a few self-important judges sitting atop their high horses in their ivory tower subjectively deciding whether or not what they just witnessed was 'beautiful' and 'technically accurate'. If they judged purely on a third criteria I like to call 'Useful', then all SS teams would get zero, but I digress.

Kendo is loud, SS isn't.

You can't drown in Kendo, you can in SS.

Kendo is more entertaining than Fencing, SS is not.

Kendo is a sport, SS is certainly NOT.


I think it's a pretty well-crafted argument.

If any Olympic officials read this (because I'm sure you guys are keyed in to my thought processes...) then consider the following friendly tips:

Any event which requires people to wear makeup under water can go and get fucked.
Any event which is graded on artistic execution (gymnastics is exempt because 'not landing on one's head' is considered pretty damn skillful) can go and get fucked.
Any proposed event that involves dance and music and isn't Women's Gymnastics can go and get fucked.

A gymnastic floor routine could at least be used to flip backwards over a charging Grizzly Bear if it came down to it. All Synchronised Swimmers can do is attract large sharks.

Having said that, if 3 large Tiger Sharks were put into the synchronised swimming pool before the event started, then I would support keeping this event in the Olympics.

See how useful your arm flailing and splashing is now, you stupid people.

Cheers