How to advertise a job (and where to stick the applications)

So, at the end of last week I was made redundant. Whoopee.

Granted, it was from a job that I disliked, that caused parts of my body to fail and, apparently, was paying lower than minimum wage. It was, however, a job. It was a place of familiarity where I could do something constructive for a financial end and meet new people along the way.

With the Ship of Unemployment sailing through the Fog of Depression towards the Shores of Destitution, I thought it was high-time someone told the writers of job ads how to do their jobs properly (feel free to point them to this site). Since I'll be reading alot of employment ads in the near future, I figure I may as well read good ones.


1. If you are writing an ad, know what you're advertising

Job hunters do not want to see an ad which says 'Are you interested in ducks? If so, call 555-1122' They want details. For many people changing vocations is an important step in their lives, and they want to make the right decision. They don't want a catchy line only to find there is no substance. It's the same as an attractive young lady giving you their number, only to turn around and say 'Oh, it was silly to give you my number like that'. So much promise, so little payoff.

A better way to advertise a job (and yes, there ARE ads like this out there) is to do it like this:

Catchy line to pique interest
We're looking for someone with the following skills...
... to do the following tasks...
... for this amount of money...
... at this location.
For more information contact X or go to the website @ www.website.com

It's the perfect job ad.
Stop wasting my time with stupid ads and, for the record, spell the damn things correctly. I saw an ad on www.seek.com.au a couple of weeks ago for a Copywriter. The ad was full of spelling errors and the grammar was appalling.

'Yer, I want 2 rite. Can U hir me plz? I are good at stuf. lol thx. '


2. If you want to hire people, how about advertising the position?

Apparently, 70% of available jobs are unadvertised. That sure makes sense. Have a vacant desk in your office? Just sit there and hope that the right person comes along. No wait, pray for the right person to come along. Then jam your genitals in a stapler, because that is going to be as effective, if not more so. The person who hears you screaming might just be the ideal candidate.

Job seminars and community centres and recruitment agencies always tell people to 'Network network network'. This means 'Tell people you are looking for jobs, make enquiries, make use of word of mouth.' Word of mouth is what has got me every job I have ever had, I have not had to apply for one. I even turned down a job on Tuesday because it was in the opposite direction of what I wanted (and of what my body could tolerate). I'm all for putting yourself out there. It's incredibly important for people to know that you are looking for work, because any number of people you know could know a guy who knows a guy.

At the same time, employers need to let people know the jobs are out there. One hand washes the other. I tell people I'm looking for a job as a Creative, one of those people sees an ad in a place I missed, and BAM! I land a new job.

Advertising is the key. Networking and 'word of mouth' go both ways.


3. So you've received 25 job applications. Now what?

Read them. This takes time, I know, but I get the feeling that people sometimes throw a pile of paper in the air and only read the applications that land text-side-up. It's more fun that way. It's also really inefficient, ineffective, and downright rude.
Cover letters are an excellent way of gauging the worthiness of an applicant and yet alot of places do not accept or request them when the job applications are done online. This is poor company policy and/or a lazy human resources department.
Once you've read every cover letter, skim all the résumés`. It could be that the résumé attached to a poor cover letter reveals an admirable applicant. Granted, their cover letter should have been better, but not everyone can think of a catchy line to grab attention; after all, the world does need accountants...

I took the initiative to write a cover letter and put it on the first page of my résumé before forwarding it. It was a gamble. I got an interview, but didn't get the job. I did learn however that it was the letter (in addition to the résumé) that got me the interview. The gamble paid off to some extent, and I learned something from the experience.

Okay, so out of the 25 applicants you have found 8 that suit your needs. The cover letters were outstanding, and maybe even entertaining, the résumés ticked all the applicable boxes, and each applicant would be well-suited to the position, except you can only pick 1. So what are you to do with the 17 other applications? You know, the ones that didn't make the grade? Bin them all (yes/no/maybe?) and assume that they will forget they ever applied?

NO!

No, no, no, no, no!

Get your head out of your 'I'm too busy' arse. Manners are too-often overlooked. You MUST notify failed applicants that they have not made it to the interview stage. If you do not, they sit with their thumbs up their arse for days and weeks on end wondering whether they'll hear from you or not. (Weeks is a reasonable comment - some places take months to tell you that you are the lucky winner of an interview.)

An automated email from the company which informs you that you haven't made it is sufficient. I do not require a gushing email telling me how great I am whilst all the while implying that I am shit at everything I do. All I require is a 'Dear Applicant, We're sorry to inform you that your application has not reached the next level of the application process. Thank you for applying, and best of luck in future endeavours. - Signed, I.M Faceless'

That's IT. That's all you have to do. If applications are emailed to a specific address, then it makes life even easier. You move the 'approved' applicants to a different email folder, then hit 'reply to all' in the main directory and send out your pre-packaged condolances. It takes bugger-all time (that's Australian for 'none') and the applicant can move on to the next poorly-written job ad.

Cheers

Repressive Compulsive

I need to start by writing this little disclaimer: I am not encouraging people to look these up. It's why I didn't provide hyperlinks - I'm protecting my own arse, and shielding yours too. But hey, I'm not the boss of you...

When somebody links me something over MSN (invariably Uriah or Sean, sick bastards that they are), I feel compelled to click it. Not because I have an urge to scrape my own eyes out, and not because I want to test the boundaries of what the human body can actually tolerate, but because it's THERE. The winking little box in my taskbar has 'click me' written all over it, likewise for the blue text in my chat window.

The most dangerous links are the ones prefaced by 'LOL!'

For example:

Uriah: LOL! Check this out! www.anobscenelink.com

*click*

Sam: I hate you so much right now.

It's at that point that I'm groping for the 'close window' button, whilst at the same time being compelled to link it to others. If someone 'got' me, then I shall 'get' someone else. It's like the Circle of Life, sans the talking baboon.

This behaviour got me thinking. Why is it that I click? I just KNOW that the chance of me seeing something I will regret witnessing is considerably higher than 50%, but I click regardless. Is it the desire to see the quality 40% of links, is it blind trust, or is it a thirst for knowledge that drives me right index finger?

I can conclude wth some certainty that it boils down to my desire to leave no task unfinished (within reason. I'm glad I quit some things). When that dark blue box flashes at me, I must click. I need to click. I YEARN to click.

What happens next has become increasingly familiar activity (and I'm not ashamed at all. Eye for an Eye and all that). What I will do is tell the linker to go fuck themselves, before linking it to as many of my other online friends as possible. Sometimes I'll link it to people when they are offline, just so they can experience the rich bounty of the internet as soon as they get home from work.

Some of the classic (it doesn't mean they're good) eye-gouging moments are now internet lore. Meatspin for instance, or TubGirl, or Lemonparty, Cakefarts, or that video of the Serbian prisoner of war who gets his throat cut near Kosovo (the gurgling alone is disturbing, let alone the fear and panic in his eyes). Kids in a Sandbox is terrible, and 2girls1cup is something which need not be seen by anyone. Although, I saw that (at 9:30 in the damn morning, thanks Uriah haha), so I figure you should too.

Is it a warmly-embraced and minor case of OCD here or is it just something that we in the digital age have learned to accept?

Julius Caesar is famous for saying Veni Vidi Vici.

I'd like to become famous for saying Veni Vidi Clicki.

Cheers

Defining Facebook/Online friends

Rikki Hill's comment about Facebook friends the other day inspired this.

So blame her.

What is a Facebook friend? From what I've gathered in my few months here it can mean different things to different people. One very popular model is the 'If-I-know-your-name-or-have-met-you-once-in-my-life-then-I-will-add
-you-as-a-friend-and-we-will-be-Best-Friends-Forever-lol'. I'm not sure I understand this mindset. In real life, do you immediately call someone you've met a friend? I don't. Many of the people I have met in my life can very clearly be classified as 'a dickhead' or 'a stupid bitch'. These people do not qualify as Facebook Friends. Likewise for the friendly people I have met during my life. I would not call all of them 'friends' by any stretch. If anything, they are 'people I know/met a couple of times'. At best, they are acquaintances. I have nothing against them, I just wouldn't call them a friend.

Another Facebook Friend model is the 'This-group-of-people-is-very-tight-knit-and-
are-people-I-speak-to-every-day'. There is nothing wrong with this model, it's just that it's a small one. It could be that you have a very small, very important group of friends who you stay in contact with, and are quite happy to relegate everyone else to the 'acquaintance' pile.

The third model is the 'Hi-my-goal-is-to-have-the-whole-world-on-my-friends-list.' These people add others indiscriminantly. Tila Tequila is an example. She is, apparently, the record holder for MySpace friends. Can't say I blame them, she is an attractive young lady, but that's it. Most people on that page are just another brick in the wall.

'wow u r hot + i like u do u want 2 b my grl frend?'

No, no she doesn't. She wants you to go back to school and learn how to read and spell. That way, when you are sent a rejection letter, you'll be able to understand it.

My Facebook list is a proud member of the fourth model. This list is made up of real-life friends (they breathe, they have skin, and they (well, most of them) have a pulse). These people are some of the ones that I like. I talk with (or used to talk with) these people on a regular basis and hold no ill-will towards them. I have many friends who AREN'T on this list, purely because they don't have Facebook. If one of these people was in some sort of trouble and needed a place to stay for the night, then I would happily oblige without batting an eyelid. If they needed to stay for a second night well, I'd have to check my OTHER list and see if they're on it...

Personally, I do not add people I just met, unless of course we hit it off rather well. I do not Confirm people who add ME if I don't know them. I do not add people when the only thing I know about them is their name, and I do not add people who do not fit the fourth model. If someone is my friend, they are my friend, if they are not, then they are not. I take words like 'friend' seriously, and I think others would do well to do the same.

Cheers.

Hypermiling

I understand a want for efficiency and getting Value for Money. I desire these things as much as the next guy, unless the next guy is a hypermiling enthusiast like http://www.edmunds.com/insideline/do/Features/articleId=126611 <--- these guys. I appreciate the fact that they're trying to get bang for buck, but jesus christ, why the hell would you want to do 22 mph in a 55 mph zone? To me that's like dying a little bit inside. I struggle enough getting stuck behind a car going 80km/h in a 100km/h zone. Screw inflicting that kind of torture on myself deliberately.

The balance between efficiency and 'getting what you pay for' is thrown way off here for one very good reason: He's DRIVING SOMEWHERE in a CAR on a ROAD.

'I'm deliberately going slower than everyone else on the road because I would like to get to where I'm going as SLOWLY AS POSSIBLE.'

If he was content in plodding along to his destination, why didn't the lazy bugger walk?

If I want to go somewhere, and I have the opportunity to get there faster and therefore more efficiently in regard to time, then I try to get there as fast as legally possible. If I'm doing a job, I want to do an excellent job in the shortest time possible. Why would I take longer just for the sake of splitting hairs?

'Yes' petrol prices are going up, 'yes' we all want to save money, and 'yes' we all earn browny points for 'saving the whales, dude', but is driving erratically, avoiding using brakes PURELY to preserve momentum worth it JUST to save those few extra dollars?

'Do I brake early enough to come to a halt safely, knowing that everyone else on the road will do the same? Or do I coast that little bit longer at an excrutiatingly slow speed in an attempt to save a little bit of fuel only to have everyone else backed up behind me tooting their horns and getting increasingly maddened by my anal approach to fuel economy, therefore reducing their awareness for what else is happening on the road?'

Gee, decisions decisions. A pile-up worthy of the news and the added stress to boot? Or a more relaxed and safer driving experience?

I'm as big a fan of getting the High Score as everyone else, but not at the expense of the safety of others.

Green with ____

Fill in the space in the title and you win a prize. It could be a trip on the French Riviera, it could be a Kick in the Teeth - you decide!

The topic of today's rant is 'Jealousy', and what a fun topic it is. What is its purpose in today's society? I understand that it is the catalyst which inspires birds to fluff their plumage, or fish to wave their fins, or lizards to do a strange waving dance, but in relation to us in this day and age, what is its purpose?

In bygone days, I am positive that it was a chemical reaction designed to encourage territorialism. If 'territorialism' wasn't a word before today, then congratulations; you just witnessed the birth of a new word.

In regard to today's society, all it does is bring the red haze down in front of the eyes and the inhibition unit in the brain to take a holiday.

'Oh, is that jealousy? You need this headspace for a bit? No problem, I'll just go over here should I? Let me know when you're done.'

More often than not it brings out the Dickhead Factor, that wonderful human equivelant to a peacock displaying its tail. The most common form is two blokes making eyes at each other (in the violent way, not the gay way) until one snots the other. In my case, it brings out a stream of consciousness, all of it internalised, that is over and done with in about 5 seconds, leaving only a remnant to fester for two more days. I'll be in a foul mood, but the feeling will pass.

It used to bring out my innate competitiveness, but it doesn't anymore, at least not since I realised that my ground state of being is in fact one of innate competitiveness, thus rendering any new incarnation instantly redundant. I have alot of time to consider these things while I'm at work (if you were wondering). You'll know when my feathers are ruffled when I become competitive for no apparent reason. I usually won't care about winning, rather, I'll care about not losing, or at least making the other guy lose horribly.

So, with that in mind, what the fuck is the best way to deal with jealousy? One doesn't have a nest to build, one doesn't have an ornate tail to display, and one certainly does not have the time, energy or inclination to get out of one's car and slam someone's head in a door again and again and again and again and again.

What is the easy answer?

/rant off

Incidentally, and on a completely different note, does anyone know where I can get rid of the body of a 20-year-old blonde male, weighing approximately 80 kilogrammes?

Alcoholism 101

What makes a good drink?

Is it the taste? Is it the buzz? Is it the after-effect? Is it the atmosphere in which you consume it? Is it the stigma attached to it? I'm interested to know.

For me, it's a combination of taste and after-effect. If it tastes good, then the buzz isn't important, it's merely a pleasant side-effect. If I don't feel sick after drinking it, then that's a bonus too, because no one likes feeling ill.

The atmosphere in which I drink something is immensely unimportant as well. I have have many excellent nights where all I have had to drink is beer. I have also had many awful nights where all I have had to drink is beer, so, as you can imagine, atmosphere is completely redundant to me.

The stigma is a tricky one, because there are so many different ones attached to so many different drinks.

According to one friend of mine, if you drink Gin and Tonic, you are a woman in the 1920's. I find myself completely unable to argue with this position, because it cracks me up.

For the record, I quite enjoy a Gin and Tonic (See previous Note: An experiment).

According to Keanu Reeves in 'Street Kings', Vodka is odourless and buzz-inducing. Therefore we can see that odourless + buzz-inducing = fun times with handguns. I would much rather think that Vodka is a drink reserved strictly for poor Russians who have nothing to pass the time with. This concept makes me laugh. I love crazy Russians.

For the record, I quite enjoy Vodka too (and it disinfects your WHOLE digestive system. Need I say more?)

According to those prats in the movie 'Sideways', 'Red wine is a beverage which is tasty, alcoholic, and should be consumed frequently' (I'm paraphrasing here since I've only seen half the movie, and that was a long time ago). I don't disagree with this at all since, yes, red wine is tasty, alcoholic, relaxing, and warmth-inducing. It's just a shame that so many wankers drink it and wax lyrical about its 'oaky, earthy, fruity, and full-bodied assault on the palate'.

Again, for the record, I quite enjoy red wine because it's tasty and relaxing. You can ram those fruity, oaky, earthy and full-bodied adjectives up your arsehole for all I care.

OKAY... A MAN walks into a TALENT agency

'...blah blah blah The Aristocrats!'

What better way to start my rant than to use an over-hyped and over-used inside joke told only to crowds of drunken comedians? No, 'Once upon a time' is not better. Not much better. Fine. Fuck you, I'll do it.

Once upon a time there was a man named Sam.

(Sam waves at the three people reading this).

Sam was unhappy with his job fixing things that IDIOTS had broken, so he passed the time singing songs and talking to himself behind his crappy and ineffective breathing mask. He became so good at this that he spent some time in a the psych ward at the Royal Adelaide Hospital where he learned to connect with himself and nature (he spent his free time wanking in the Botanic Gardens).

When he got out/was released, he realised that there was so many things to live for - alcohol, gaming, wallowing in self-pity, wishing that one day he would wake up dead (paradoxical I know, but we're not talking about a completely sane and rational person here). He lived life to what he perceived to be the fullest, which, funnily enough, landed him in exactly the same position he found himself in in the first place.

As the Puerto Ricans say (or at least said in South Park) '¿Qué'

The point I'm getting at here, if you can see it through the quasi-fictional haze that is the above paragraph, is 'Why do we do it?' Why do we constantly throw ourselves at hopes and desires and goals only to be met with failure, and, at worst, derision and scorn?

Use myself as an example; someone who only lets the closest of friends know anything about me for... reasons of my own. Is it because I fear rejection/scorn/confrontat

ion, thus rendering my perceived 'need' to open up redundant?
Maybe, but this isn't Doctor Phil so we won't go into it any further. Close those gates, erect those barricades.

I would bet someone else's left leg (fuck losing my own), that alot of teenagers of the black hair, black nails, white face variety would say 'It's true, life is meaningless. You're born, you die.' Actually, they would say 'Your born, U die', but fuck them and their idiocy.

Fuck I hate emos.

Do they have a point though? Is our sole purpose on this little blue and green dot of ours to survive and multiply? 20 hours ago I certainly felt that it was (and that was after our stunning 13-2 win where I scored 6 goals. Go Team Scapegoat!). If you can work out the ever-elusive 'Why' which was the catalyst for this article then I'll give you 10 points.

After a day of thought (I have alot of time for this), and after many Oasis songs (I'll write about them another time), I have come to the conclusion that I hate emos and almost everything they live for. They always forget the most important part of their tiny tiny and, above all, SMALL look on life. You're born, YOU LIVE, then you die.

I'm not about to get evangelical or anything, I can promise you of that. Anyone who knows me AT ALL (do you fit in this category, hmm?) knows that I detest religion and the bullshit rhetoric that goes with it (offended? I don't care).

The LIVING part of that famous and rather depressing sentence is what matters. The reason we throw ourselves at goals and hopes and dreams and desires is that we know, we just KNOW that there will be a payoff at the end that will make everything worth it.

We play sport and stretch our bodies to exhaustion in the hopes that we will experience the euphoria of a win, and not the crushing depression of defeat.

We work at our jobs, regardless of how menial, with the knowledge that, eventually, our hard work will be rewarded (with either future careers, money, praise, or whatever else floats your boat).

We build up the courage to talk to people we've never met before in the hopes that we can enter into a relationship with them, be it, friendly, romantic, or... no, I think those are the only things things that apply here.

Our PURPOSE is to Experience. I assure you that it is deserving of the capital 'E'. Our PURPOSE is to live in a way that makes us happy. Not to make other people happy, not to make some invisible and imaginary God happy, not for 'the good of all', but for ourselves.

Be yourselves, be ourselves, be yourself, be myself.

A similar (and very applicable) E word would be 'Epiphany', and it's a good one as long as you remove the religious connotations.

It's almost funny, were it not so interesting. I started this piece/article/story with a view to write a Vodka-fueled rant about how prick-teasing women piss me off no end (string you along, then BAM! All your hopes and dreams up in a cloud of smoke), but instead I thought I'd articulate the thought process that followed that colourful snapshot.

There IS always a silver lining, there IS always an open window when the door closes, there IS always an upshot, and there is always some smartarse motherfucker stooging around waiting to expound the value of the preceding statements.

I'd just like to think that people now understand what 'silver lining' actually means.

Cheers for reading my Thursday Rant.