First Week - Los Angeles

So, I landed safely, how awesome is that (very, you pricks). I'm typing this on my mate Josh's gay-as-hell ergonomic keyboard, so bear with the typos.

The flight was really shit. 14 hours of being uncomfortable. You know that upright angle where you're comfy, and that flat-ish angle where you;re comfy? You know that in between angle that is really uncomfortable and makes your neck feel bad? Well it was like that most of the trip. Watched The Wrestler and Twilight. Both were crap, but Twilight was crap in a hilarious way. Lost. My. Shit. Completely.

Landed in LA on time, Josh picked me up with no drama and I had my first experience on mad LA freeways. Six lanes of chaos. You need more eyes in your head for sure. Crashed out on his couch for 3 hours or so, but was woken by the news that Josh's dad had very kindly offered me the spare room at their place for the first night 'so I could have a good sleep in a proper bed and get a good proper meal.' It was awesome. Josh's dad, Dan cooked the BEST steak, my body soaked it up and I spent a good 10 hours sleeping on a crazy comfy memory foam mattress. Dan is a top bloke, really chatty and hospitable and made me feel really welcome. Also got talking about a range of stuff, so it was like talking to someone I'd known for ages. Good times.

Day 2 was chilled. We went to 'a really big US mall', but tbqh, it was the same size as Marion shopping centre. The difference of course being that Marion doesn't have Cartier, Tiffany's and Prada outlets. If you need to ask the price, you can't afford that shit. Although, I did see one wedding ring for $30k USD. Nothing says 'I love you' like a house foreclosure.

Day 3 was Disneyland and California Adventure. It's strange, and this will sound dumb, but Disney seems really plastic, fabricated and false. There is this air for forced perfection and insincerity. People are happy enough, sure... but there is just a vibe there that I didn't get. Was fun though - Space Mountain and the Haunted Mansion were fantastic. Got maccas for lunch because fucked if I'm paying Disney food prices. You'll be pleased to know that Big Macs are as revolting here as back home. California Adventure is a crazy place. It's as loose as natural as Disney is regimented and forced. Great focus on adrenaline - so I was in my element. Big rush. Can tell you more when I get home of course.

Met Josh's g/f Shannon - top chick. Got us some dinner from her work - was the best. Checked out In and Out Burger today - yes chris, it's everything you said it was. Checked out Watchman too - good movie, but takes a while to make any fucking sense.

Anyway, that's pretty much it from the first few days - I can post a full critique on American culture blah bklah later on. Going to Coffee and Cars tomorrow (google it).

Stay safe guys,

Cheers

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I figured I'd start this with some context.

I'm going overseas for 6 weeks as of Tuesday the 3rd of March 2009. My first stop is Los Angeles, followed by Cancun in Mexico, Cuzco in Peru, London in the UK, Amman and Petra in Jordan and Cairo and Luxor in Egypt. The idea is that I'm seeing everything I wanted to see when I was 8 years old. The only thing missing is a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but let's face it; 8-year-olds don't really have a firm grasp on reality.

I'll have 6 nights in LA, 4-5 nights in Mexico, 12 nights in Peru, 1 night in London, 4 nights in Jordan and 16 nights in Egypt... That's all approximate because I really can't be arsed working it out.

I'll use this site to keep people updated, should they wish to travel vicariously through me. I'm back on the 20th of April. I promise to not enter everything that happens here because that would leave me with no stories to tell when I get back.

I hope you've all been immunised, because this is one hell of a trip.

Cheers

PS. As a really important addendum, do NOT SMS or Call me on my mobile when I'm gone. You'll incur MASSIVE phone costs, as will I. If you need to get in touch with me, just message me on facebook or leave a comment here. Thanks

Facebook Poker

I confused the shit out of a guy on a poker table

I joined the game and typed, for a bit of a laugh

'Hey! He's using marked cards! ~draws six shooter~'

To which a player replied 'HOW??????'


I love scaring idiots

The Morality Equation

I've done it! I've actually fucking done it! Or at least I think I have. I think I've developed an equation which can calculate the probability of someone questioning your morality online.

Also, I usually hate maths... this just seemed to click with me. I'm calling it 'Law 23'. I could name it after myself but... that stuff doesn't fly. My age will have to suffice.

This Law is in response to people saying 'dude, your sense of what is appropriate and what isn't is way off' after I link them something. Similar comments are 'Gee, your moral compass isn't fucked or anything, is it?' or 'Christ! That's fucking terrible!'

It goes thusly:

Years spent online = Y
Length of 'offending' comment (in sentences) = L
Time taken to articulate said thought (minutes) = T
Probability of having your moral compass questioned = Mo

1/(Y x (L/T)) = Mo

Here's an example: A friend types out something which is pretty dodgy. The odds of me questioning his morality can be calculated like this:

Years I've spent 'living' online: 10
Length of comment = 4
Time taken to articulate said comment = 2 minutes.

.: 1 / (10 x (4/2)) = Mo
.: 1 / (10 x 2) = Mo
.: 1 / 20 = Mo.
.: There is a 1 in 20 chance of me questioning my mate's morality

This Law supports the theory that people new to the digital space are naive beyond all belief and are not accustomed to the internet's cultural conventions.
It also supports the fact that sometimes the shortest of comments can be the most offensive.

However, the most important theory that this Law supports is the one that goes 'Some people need empirical evidence before they shut the hell up' ie. 'SEE? You ARE naive! Law 23 PROVES it!'

I hope you can use this Law for both good and evil. I hope you can use it to prove to people that your moral compass isn't flawed, rather it's their digital inexperience which causes them to be offended.

'It's You, not Me'.

Cheers.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and on this very server
was a spawn-camping sniper, aiming with fervour.
His weapon was oiled, his scope was well-polished,
and he knew all too well that he would soon be admonished.

His places of hiding were chosen with relish,
in order to top the highscore chart he cherished.
The countdown had started, the game had begun,
the spawn-camping sniper was going to have fun.

'You cheat', nublets cried, 'You're clearly a hacker!'
'Well YOU suck at this game, you noob fucktard slacker'.
The insults rained down from every approach,
yet there was one subject they were to broach.

'Goddamit, you prick, you aimbotting faggot!'
'Boom headshot!' rejoiced the spawn-camping braggart.
'We're sick of your shit, you game-hacking scum!'
'Why don't you go home and then bareback your mum?'

'Reported' noobs cried, 'that's clearly harassment!'
'You sure you're not suffering from abject embarassment?'
'Boom headshot again!' the camper announced with great glee.
(His score had just ticked over to twenty three).

The noob players struggled, their plans were in tatters,
again and again their heads burst open in splatters.
The game was half over, the time was half through!
And yet the spawn-camper had so much to do.

He was still yet to kill someone with pistol or knife,
'I sure am so lucky that I have no real life'
He zoomed and he shot as the time ticked away,
'You cheat and you suck and your father is GAY!'

One minute was left, and victory was close,
yet our favourite camper was to be pipped at the post.
'Spawn_Camper_Oh_One has been killed by an admin'
'The fuck d'you do that for? I was going to win!

The time had wound down, the game was now done,
yet everyone stayed to watch the imminent fun.
'You cheated, you hacked and you exploited mechanics,
and you play to the beat of a terrible dance-mix.'

'FUCK YOU' shrieked the camper, his arms flailing in the air.
'Fuck you and your rules and your server, this ain't fair!'
The admin just smiled and was quite polite,
'I hope you like playing a game made of sprites!'

The camper was perma-banned, and the admin said with disgust,
'No one reads ever the EULA... DID SOMEONE JUST CUSS???'


Merry Christmas from one gamer to a group of others.

Stopping the Clean Feed

Just another way you can help stop the proposed internet filter. Also, there's an anti-censorship protest on the steps of Parliament House in Adelaide at noon on the 13th of December.

Google is absolutely useless

Ok, so there's this suicide video a comedy duo put together ages ago, and I want to watch it again.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'Can anything be funnier than suicide?' I was going to answer 'No', then I remembered a really funny anorexia video, so my judgement might be a bit clouded. At any rate, the suicide video goes like this:

Guy 1: 'I'm seriously considering killing myself'
Guy 2: 'Holy shit. Really?'
Guy 1: 'Hell no man. I'm just fucking with you. But seriously, I'm going to kill myself'

It goes on like that for ages until Guy 1 hangs himself at the end. It's a really funny video, but do you think I can find something constructive on Google with the keywords: 'suicide joke comedy hang 'I'm seriously going to hang myself''?

HELL NO!

It's all serious and shit. Have you got ANY idea how many emo kids there are out there who post their suicidal intentions on the net? I'll give you a hint: 'The answer is "seven"'.

'Someone help me, I'm all depressed and gear, no one understands me. Also, I really like listening to shitty music' is a pretty popular subject.

'Everyone laughs at my stupid haircut, and makes fun of me because I wear makeup and talk alot of shit' is another one which I may or may not have made up just then.

These kids are crying out for help, and it's sad to see that alot of them aren't getting the support they need from their family and friends. I felt bad for them, so I took it upon myself to reach out and give these people the assistance they need, because no one else would.

I sent each of them a length of rope and a book called 'The Big Book of Useful Knots'.